Choosing Messy Love
In Response to Genea Horner’s Message
By Lauren Hasson
My heart was pounding through my chest. I was oblivious to the people around me, crammed together at the alter call. My eyes were closed with hands held up, reaching to the One I loved. I had to have my heart opened to Him in a new way. I needed the ice-cold barrier broken that had been between us. I had gone to this conference with huge (and desperate) expectations. I remember vaguely hearing the speaker’s voice say, “God is going to move and He’s starting with this woman right here.” I opened my eyes in the nano-second that I saw a huge hand coming over to my head. As soon as he touched me, the power of God jolted through me, leaving me on the ground.
It had all begun the day before when an enormous teddy bear of a man shared his story of being a master chef at an exclusive restaurant, living in the fast lane of culinary and cocaine, and not caring about much in between. One evening, his “Jesus Freak” sister and brother-in-law decided to stop into his restaurant for a meal. Coming out to grace their table and hopefully talk about their delectable dinner, his sister nonchalantly asked if she could pray for him about anything. Stymied, he blurted out, “Well, I am taking a trip soon, you could pray for that.” Nothing prepared him for what came next. His sister and brother-in-law jumped out of their chairs to lay hold of this reluctant recipient IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS FIVE STAR RESTAURANT. Shocked, he kept backing away from them until his back was literally up against the wall. “Not here, not now, not in my restaurant,” was the silent mantra he was screaming in his head. The next thing he knew, their hands were on him praying in full view for all his customers to see. His utter reluctance was met with absolute astonishment at what came next. He described a physical sensation that felt like liquid love pouring from his head all the way down to his toes. “It was like warm honey, sticky, gooey, the kind you can’t get off.... and I LOVED it!”
He rushed home from the restaurant and ran into his bathroom, quickly bolting the door locked behind him. Finding his enormous stash of cocaine that he had also been both using and dealing, he began flushing full cocaine baggies down the toilet. Simultaneously he was attempting to explain this encounter of honey sticky love, Jesus and living in this new gooey mess to his live-in girlfriend, who was attempting to break down the door as he explained the need to flush the cocaine, flush the life they’d known, flush their nest-egg-stash down the toilet bowl.
After cry-laughing at the speaker, something began to grip me.
The more he spoke about his transformation, the more my heart ached. I went home that night and found a deep, guttural cry start to pour out from the depths of my being. I had asked for the almost imperceptible barrier in my heart to open. That 10% that seemed to bar the way to wholeheartedness. As he spoke about the unabashed love showing up in the most unexpected ways, I knew that I needed more. Let’s face it, I was wrecked. I cried so hard that night, I couldn’t go back the next morning because my swollen-shut eyes hurt too much.
With iced eyes, and a fair amount of Advil, I made my way back for the evening session of the conference. As he spoke, I could feel something shifting inside of me. My prayers for a completely open heart were being answered.
After the “Let’s start with her” incident, I found myself on the ground wailing all over again. This time, I had no idea why. It was like my spirit and my soul weren’t communicating. My mind couldn’t understand what I was crying about. It was then that the Holy Spirit began to show me a deeply painful experience from my teens.
Jesus started illuminating what was happening. I heard his gentle voice, “This was when you closed your heart.” He took me back to a devastating time way back in my teens.
“But I don’t understand. I forgave them. Why are you showing me that?
“Yes, you forgave them, but you also said, ‘I will never be hurt like that again.’ In that moment you made a vow to never feel that pain again. When you did this, you closed off a part of your heart. When you closed your heart in pain, you closed a part of your heart to all people, and even to Me. The enemy is not selective. He used that simple choice to keep you from feeling, from loving, from choosing to live wholeheartedly.”
As I poured out the pain and asking Him to break the vow I made, I felt an incredible opening in my heart. His gooey, sticky love was pouring into every crevice that I had closed. He was loving me back to life.
Sometimes relationships are messy.
Genea Horner spoke about the power of covenant relationships. The beauty of family is that it is chosen by us, and the power to stay constant in our connection is ours through HIm. Family may be messy, it may feel hard and confusing, but our strength is in choosing to love, choosing to communicate, choosing bravely to keep our hearts open, particularly when we want to pull away and self-protect. What if I had known someone like Genea as a teen? What if I’d been chosen by them in the big, messy dinner table and I could have shared the full extent of my heart, knowing I would be safe, accepted, and helped in the middle of it all?
If we keep our eyes open, who will we see and shmeer with the heart of Jesus who loves fervently regardless of our mess? Who needs to know that there are answers outside of themselves and that they are significant, adored, received? It may be someone close, a chosen family member, it may be someone highlighted to you by the Holy Spirit. What if we choose to be present with what He’s showing us and receive His love and grace to stay constant in our love?
Speaking grace to each of us to receive and give wholehearted love this Christmas Season. And yes, as you’re wrapping Christmas presents or doing one of the many things you will do this season, why not watch Genea Horner’s message once again to fill you with the true gift of Christmas.